ME 3: Catastrophic Failure
by Wyolake
Summary: Shepard survives the Reaper War, but the Normandy is lost. She works to control her emotions and find them before it's too late. One shot for now, but I may continue it if there is interest. Please review and let me know your thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**ME 3: Catastrophic Failure**

Zhanel Lintani regarded the woman sitting on the couch across from her. Commander, no, Admiral Danielle Shepard was just as stoic as she had been for all of their sessions for the last four months.

"Perhaps we could talk about your trial and the feelings that brought up," Zhanel said quietly.

"It all worked out in the end," Shepard said with a small smile. "Nothing to talk about."

Zhanel suppressed a sigh. "Admiral," she said and tried to keep her frustration out of her tone. "You've had a lot of traumatic events in your life and you need to deal with the emotions they left."

"We won the war, Doctor," Shepard didn't even try to disguise her irritation. "Everything is fine. It's time to celebrate and rebuild, not to cry over the past."

"It doesn't work –" Zhanel was interrupted by a soft beeping.

"Sorry, Doc," Shepard said with a feral grin. "Our time's up. See you next week."

Zhanel gave in and let out a groan as the door closed behind the formidable woman. She typed a few more notes into her data pad and then went to her terminal. She drummed her fingers on the desk as she waited for the call to go through.

"Doctor Lintani," Admiral Hackett greeted her on the vid com. "Do you have that report for me?"

"Yes, Sir." Zhantel took a long, calming breath as she quickly ordered her thoughts. "Admiral Shepard still refuses to deal with her emotions and I believe it could become a problem."

"She's seemed fine these last couple of months, Doctor," Hackett said with a frown. "She is working efficiently and is as charismatic as ever. I think you may be over reacting. Shepard's a soldier – a N7 Marine. She can handle more than you think."

"Sir," Zhantel practically ground out. Marines could be so thick headed. "The concern is that she's simply buried all the emotions – damned them up. She's never actually dealt with any of it. There is a strong probability that when presented with a certain trigger that damn may burst and it could potentially be a catastrophic psychological episode."

Hackett's eyebrows drew together as he considered the doctor's warning, but he didn't say anything.

"Admiral," Zhantel continued in a more professional tone. "I recommend Admiral Shepard remain in an administrative capacity and she should be monitored closely for signs of emotional distress."

"Thank you, doctor, for your report. Hackett, out."

* * *

Shepard walked with purposeful steps toward the communications office. It felt good to be back in Vancouver and at Alliance HQ. The weeks she'd spent in Australia helping to organize repairs and bringing the new Alliance Australian Command together had been satisfying, but tedious. She was glad to be back and she hoped there was some news of the Normandy. She had called regularly while she was away, but a personal visit couldn't hurt. Sometimes speaking with people directly brought results that a vid call couldn't.

She strode in the room and walked up to the first person she saw. "Sergeant, any new intel on the Normandy?" she said and made herself smile calmly at the flustered Sergeant.

"uh…Admiral Shepard," the woman stammered and gave a shaky salute. Shepard waved a hand to stop everyone from popping to attention.

"I'll take it from here, Sergeant Holmes," a man said from behind Shepard. Shepard turned and regarded the man. She fought to keep the friendly smile on her face. "Commander Gregg Vavilov," he said as he saluted her.

"Commander," Shepard acknowledged him as she returned the salute. "Any word?"

"No, Admiral," the Commander said with hard line to his mouth. "As you were told the," he consulted a data pad in his hand, "last twenty times you called in the past thirty eight days."

Shepard decided to ignore the barb and turned to examine the holographic map on the wall. "Let's search this system," she said as she tapped the map. "It's off the trajectory, but they may have been pushed –"

"Admiral," Vavilov interrupted her and she glared at him over her shoulder. "We searched that system two months ago."

"So what systems are being searched currently?" Shepard snapped. "I'll talk to Hackett and see about getting a ship to search the next area on the list."

"Ma'am," the Commander said with a sigh. "With all due respect," and Shepard nearly chuckled as she remembered Ashley's insight into that phrase. "We've searched every system that had even the remotest possibility for the last six months."

"If we'd searched them all we'd have found the Normandy, Commander," Shepard growled at him. "Let's branch out another five degrees." Shepard tapped another area on the map as she looked over the possible habitable planets listed.

"Admiral," Vavilov said with a raised voice and Shepard realized he had been speaking and she had ignored him. "It's over. Hackett's called it." The commander handed her the data pad.

Shepard glanced at it and felt her heart squeeze painfully. She wanted to shout and punch and tear the place apart until they went back to searching. Instead she speared the Commander with the full heat of her angry gaze.

The man, a head taller than Shepard and solidly built, took a couple steps back as he visibly swallowed.

"Keep looking," Shepard snarled as she shoved the data pad into the Commander's chest and stalked out of the room.

* * *

Shepard stomped into the reception area outside Hackett's office. Her head felt ready to explode and her left hip and leg were pulsating with pain, but she ruthlessly ignored the feelings.

"Oh, Admiral Shepard," Lieutenant Mallory said with a smile as she pushed a button. "The Admiral is," Shepard didn't even slow down and hit the button on Hackett's office, "expecting you," the girl finished quietly as Shepard went in.

"Shepard," Hackett said casually from his desk as she walked up to it.

"Sir, you can't stop the search for the Normandy," Shepard demanded. She wanted to tear someone's throat out in frustration. Instead she clenched her fists and glared at the man in front of her.

"Shepard," Hackett said quietly as he rose. "It's been six months with no word, no sign…"

"It's only been six months!" Shepard shouted. "If they needed to make repairs they'd…"

"Shepard," Hackett said in the same quiet tone, but the edge behind it stopped her tirade. "I'm sorry, but we can't afford the resources anymore. The Normandy's only one ship," he raised a hand to stop Shepard's outburst. "She was your ship and full of heroes. That's the only reason we spent so long searching. None of the other missing ships received such attention."

Shepard clenched her fists until her nails bit into her palms and ground her teeth. Hackett's rebuke stung and she knew what she was asking was unfair, but she couldn't give up. She wouldn't let them give up. "Admiral, the Normandy's out there and they're waiting for us to find them. We can't let them down."

Hackett sighed and moved around the desk. "I'm sorry, but the Normandy's status is now officially 'Missing, Presumed Lost'." Hackett placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed in empathy for the pain she must feel.

"The families have been asked to come to the HQ at 1400. I'll inform them then and I think you should be there, Shepard."

"Sir," Shepard pleaded and snapped her mouth closed when she heard how plaintive it sounded.

"Be at the secondary staff conference room at 1345 in your dress blues. I'm sorry, Deirdre. I truly am. Dismissed."

Shepard turned and left the office. Her mind worked feverishly to try to find another avenue, another argument to make to stop this. She needed a plan – any plan – she wouldn't just give up. _C'mon, Joker_, she sent the thought as hard as she could. _Talk to me_.

* * *

Shepard looked at the clock and pounded her fists on the desk. She was out of time. Out of time and options. She had called everyone she could think of, all of her contacts throughout the galaxy and had come up empty. The Asari, Turians, Salarians, even the Krogan had no information. She had tried to get a ship, but had been informed that Admiral Hackett had left orders she wasn't to be given one.

"Damn it!" She thundered as she put her head in her hands. With a sigh she got up and went in to shower. She had to have faith that the Normandy would call. Probably just in the nick of time like the old vids Joker was so fond of.

Dressed and suitably in control, Shepard sat at the head table next to Hackett as they watched the family members come into the room.

Shepard had missed the memorial services for Admiral Anderson and Lieutenant Cortez. She'd still been in the hospital unconscious at the time. She'd had her own private memorial service to them, but had shuttled the sadness aside by focusing on hope the Normandy would return soon. Then she had done what she'd always done and thrown herself into her work.

She watched as each person went to a section with the name of one of the Normandy crew and sat down. She realized no one would come for Joker, since his family had been lost on Tiptree. _And he never knew_, she thought as she bit her tongue to divert the pain. _I never told him_.

She saw James' uncle glance at the picture of James and sit down. He folded his hands on the table and kept a blank face. Garrus' father and sister came in and sat down and Shepard was surprised to see how much resemblance there was in Garrus of his father. Traynor's parents were next and her mother kept wringing her hands and glancing around. Admiral Rann came in and Shepard was a little surprised the woman was still on Earth instead of on Rannoch. But the Admiral had looked at Tali as almost her own child, so Shepard realized she should have expected it.

Hackett spoke to the aid behind them briefly and the military photographer took a few photos. The civilian press wasn't allowed, but the press corps were recording the proceedings and would give a suitably brief recount to the populace.

Shepard returned her gaze to the room and saw more family members had come in. The room was mostly full now, as the families of her CIC crew and engineering team sat down. Shepard caught sight of a Drell among the human faces and realized it was Feron. She wondered briefly if he and Liara had ever rekindled their romance.

A couple more people sat down and Shepard realized that Karin Chakwas had said she was the last of a line of doctors. These people must be colleagues, then, since Karin had no family.

Shepard checked her omni-tool again and ground her teeth in frustration. Where was the Normandy? Time was almost up. She felt desperation welling up as Hackett gave the signal for the doors to close. A small woman, slightly overweight with graying dark hair in a braid down her back managed to get in just before the guards closed them. She looked around and quickly found her seat.

_I can't wait for you to meet my mom, Shepard._ Shepard averted her gaze from Kaidan's mom as she heard his voice. _Not like this_, she thought in a near panic. _It wasn't supposed to be like this._

Hackett stood up and cleared his throat. Shepard looked at her omni-tool again as she tried to maintain control. This couldn't be happening. She hadn't saved the galaxy, and _survived_, only to lose everyone she cared about. _Call, call, call, call_, she whispered the fervent litany in her head. _Call now!_

"Thank you all for coming," Hackett said in his booming, gravelly voice.

"No," Shepard whispered as she clawed at her thighs under the table.

"I'm afraid the news I have for all of you isn't as good as we'd hoped," Hackett continued and Shepard felt like a weight had dropped on her chest. She couldn't breathe and her vision kept swimming.

As hard as she tried not to, Shepard looked over at Kaidan's mom only to see the older woman looking straight at her with a sad gaze. It was too much and Shepard gave a strangled sound as she jumped to her feet. The chair fell with a crash and Hackett turned to look at her, his eyes full of concern.

"Shepard?" he asked in a whisper.

"This isn't…" Shepard attempted to speak, but the words strangled in a throat that was tightly closed. "We can't…" Her breath was coming in gasps and she realized she was trembling violently.

There were sounds around her as she ran for the side door. She gripped the frame to keep herself upright as she tried to turn the corner. She managed to get a few steps down the hall before the ground lurched under her and her left shoulder hit the wall.

Gasping and shaking she slowly slid down the wall and sat hunched over on the floor. "I survived, they have to…I promised…" She dissolved into sobs and was barely aware of a set of arms that came around her and cradled her. She didn't hear the words whispered into her hair.

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure if I will continue this fic, so I've marked it complete. I may come back later and add another chapter. Let me know what you think.

Please review, it feeds the muse.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Shepard didn't move from her seat when she heard the door to her room open. She kept her gaze on the window in front of her, but saw the reflection of Admiral Hackett as he walked toward her.

"Sir," she said as he came up to her chair.

"How are you doing today, Commander?" Hackett asked quietly.

Shepard shrugged. "Better." She rubbed a hand over the back of her neck as Hackett took the chair next to her. "I need to apologize for losing…my composure the other day, Sir." Even the thought of what she had done made her want to cringe, but she kept her military bearing.

"No you don't, Commander," Hackett said and leaned forward. His gaze was intent as he clasped his hands. "It was understandable considering what you've been through."

Shepard couldn't suppress a wince. "I disagree, Sir," she managed to stop herself from saying she wished he'd take her to task for it. His 'understanding' her break-down somehow made her feel worse.

"I actually came to give you some good news," Hackett said and a gleam appeared in his eyes. "We've received a communication from the Normandy."

Shepard sucked in a surprised breath and felt her heart speed up. Hackett continued before she managed to speak. "It was garbled and very weak, but it was definitely the Normandy."

"What did they say," Shepard managed to whisper.

"They took some damage and we think they said they're on their way back. Nothing else was understandable from the transmission."

"Where are they? How long 'til they get back? Were there any casualties? What kind of damage?" Shepard leaned forward as she peppered him with questions. "Sir," she added belatedly.

Hackett grinned at her excitement and leaned back in his chair. "We're not sure. The signal was too degraded to trace and the techs couldn't recover any information about their location or ETA. No information about injuries, either."

Shepard leaned back and sighed. They were coming home! She wished she had more details, but she'd take what little hope she could get.

"Honestly, Shepard," Hackett said in a concerned tone. "How are you doing?" He placed a hand over hers and squeezed gently. "The doctor said you haven't opened up as much as she'd like."

Shepard closed her eyes and managed to keep her embarrassment from making her snap at the Admiral. She wondered if she could confide in Hackett. Damn, she missed Anderson. She knew Anderson would've understood, but she wasn't sure about Hackett.

"I know the doctor means well, Admiral, but she wouldn't understand and I don't need idiotic platitudes," Shepard said and only barely managed to contain her irritation.

"I understand that," Hackett responded and she heard the amused note of understanding in his voice.

Shepard opened her eyes and looked at the Admiral. She looked at the scars lining his face and the hard edge behind his eyes. He had seen a lot in his years with the Alliance and it showed. He'd been labeled a hero during the First Contact war and promoted steadily since. Perhaps he would understand what the war had cost her.

"Do you have any regrets from the First Contact War, Sir?" she asked cautiously and watched as Hackett's eyes flinched slightly. That was all the encouragement she needed and she continued. "Some of the…choices I made since this all began…" she heaved a heavy sigh. "Weigh on me."

She watched Hackett but the man stayed silent, his face stony and serious. It was several moments before he spoke, his voice rougher than usual. "I…understand. I had similar feelings after that war." His eyes took on a haunted look briefly. "And from this one."

"How did you deal with it?" Shepard whispered. "How do I…stop feeling guilty?"

Hackett sighed and gave her a look full of compassion. "You have to own it and come to terms with the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Hindsight doesn't help in this instance, Shepard." He sighed and rubbed his beard. "You have to make it right within yourself; no one can do that for you."

Shepard nodded, but didn't say anything. If only she could make it right. She had been against the wall and the Salarians used that to manipulate her. Shepard wished like hell she could rat them out for what they did with the genophage and what they planned with the Yahg and varren.

"Thank you, Sir," she said instead and gave a small smile.

* * *

The next week was busy for Shepard and she reveled in it. Hackett had put her in charge of tracking the Normandy and readying for their return.

They managed to catch two more transmissions from the ship and they finally had a location and trajectory pinpointed. Shepard had sent a ship filled with supplies and parts to escort them to Earth. A brief media photo op was arranged for when the ship docked at the Vancouver yard.

She was feeling much better and had more information to appease her inner cynic. She had actually been able to speak briefly with Joker and Kaidan this morning before comms went out and the casualties were light. Only five more days and her crew would be home.

She smiled as she looked over the report from the Malaysian. Although the Normandy would require extensive repairs once she docked, the reports said she was remarkably space worthy. Although everyone agreed it would be best if the Normandy didn't attempt a relay jump. So the trip back was taking a little longer, but the Normandy didn't require as many repairs for the trip.

The only downside was the nagging thoughts that kept dogging Shepard from her talk with Hackett. She desperately wanted to deal with her deception of the Krogan genophage cure. But it would take more than just her testimony to get the other races to believe what had happened. She needed proof and she was starting to formulate a plan to get it.

* * *

Shepard moved briskly through the hallways of the Vancouver Alliance Space port. She was both excited and nervous by the return of the Normandy. She couldn't wait to see her friends again. And Kaidan! She had missed him so much during her recovery and these last few months as she tried to keep herself busy.

She was nervous about how they would react to the destruction of EDI and the Geth. She was especially worried about how Joker would feel about it. Not that she could actually explain in any logical way how it'd been her decision that had caused them to be destroyed along with the Reapers. No one would believe the catalyst had taken the form of a small boy from her memories and given her options on the fate of the galaxy.

Shepard shook that line of thought away and turned the corner. Hackett and his aides were already standing in the hallway. The Admiral gave Shepard a tight smile as she joined them.

"The Normandy's completing docking procedures now, Commander," Hackett said briskly. "Once we get the all-clear I'll let you go and greet your crew. I'll come aboard about ten minutes after that to do the official welcome and briefing."

Shepard nodded and looked at the closed terminal door and the two guards standing on either side. "The family members are waiting in the briefing room, Admiral. They were informed it would take a couple of hours before the crew's medical screenings were complete and could join them."

Hackett made a non-committal sound, but Shepard didn't look at him. She watched the door as she waited for the aide to get word they could board the Normandy.

After what felt like an eternity the aid gave the word and the guard opened the terminal door. Shepard walked through and stood in the decon area. She managed to not tap her foot too much as she waited for the cycle to complete. Finally the light turned green and door opened as she approached. Shepard's breath caught in her throat as she saw her senior team lined up at the door.

Kaidan, Joker, Garrus, Tali, James, Liara, and Chakwas all broke into smiles as she stepped aboard. She heard James give a loud whoop of joy and Tali giggled. All Shepard could do was smile widely at them in return; she didn't trust her voice at that moment. It felt…unbelievably good to see them. Like coming home to beloved family, if she had to guess. She was almost overwhelmed by her emotions.

Shepard's eyes locked with Kaidan's as she stepped up. He had a huge smile, but his warm brown eyes glistened with emotion. She saw him swallow hard and then she was pulled to him in a crushing embrace. Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck and held him just as tightly as she tucked her face into his neck.

"I can't believe…thank all the gods…," he whispered raggedly into her hair, his voice thick and husky with emotion.

"Kaidan," she managed to whisper, but couldn't get anything else out before emotion clogged her throat.

He pulled back just enough to be able to capture her lips in a desperate kiss. She returned it whole-heartedly. All her worry and relief she put into that kiss and he did the same.

Someone clearing their throat loudly – which suggested it wasn't the first time – brought Shepard back to where they were. She reluctantly ended the kiss and placed her hands on either side of Kaidan's face. He now had a scar on his left cheek and she wondered if that was from the injuries he'd sustained in the final battle or if it had happened while the Normandy was lost.

"Thank you," she whispered. "For coming back to me; for bringing the Normandy and everyone back safe and alive."

His face clouded. "Not everyone," he whispered and she stroked his cheek. Shepard gave him a soft smile and turned to Joker.

"Hey, Commander," Joker said thickly as Shepard hugged him.

"It's good to have you home, Joker." She said with a smile as she stepped back. "Thanks for being the most awesome pilot ever and saving the ship and her crew."

"Again," Joker quipped, but his eyes were sad.

"Again," Shepard said softly and patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry about EDI, Joker. The crucible took out the Geth, too."

Joker sighed heavily, but managed a small grin. "At least the Reapers are gone."

"Garrus," Shepard said fondly as she looked up at the Turian.

"Shepard," Garrus said with a vibration in his tone as she hugged him. "I'm glad we'll get to meet at a real bar."

"You know it," Shepard said with a small laugh. "Damn, it's good to see you."

"You, too, Shepard," he said as he released her from his embrace.

"Oh, Shepard," Tali almost wailed as she grabbed Shepard. "Kee'lah, Shepard!"

"Welcome back, Tali," Shepard said as she hugged the slender Quarian. "Ra'an is here and after the celebrations they'll take you back to Rannock. I hear things are going well, even with the Geth gone."

"I'm glad to hear it Shepard," Tali said and gave Shepard another squeeze before releasing her.

"Hey, James," Shepard said as she stepped over to the heavily muscled Marine.

"Hey, Lola," James said, but his voice was bit thicker than normal. "You're always a fine sight, but it's damn good to see you again."

Shepard laughed and hugged him. "Back at ya, big guy," she said happily as he returned the hug. "I was worried about you after the Normandy picked you up."

"Got a few more scars, but that's cool," James said with a grin and a gleam in his eye. "Chicks dig scars."

"And big muscles," Shepard quipped as she slanted him a teasing look.

"Damn straight," James laughed and shot Kaidan a quasi-taunting look as Shepard stepped back.

"Liara," Shepard said as the Asari embraced her. "You doing okay?" The Asari seemed different somehow, but Shepard couldn't quite put a finger on the reason.

"Much better now, Shepard. Thank the Goddess you survived," Liara said tearfully.

"It's so good to see you," Shepard said as they parted.

Shepard exchanged a quick hug and a few words with Chakwas before she heard the airlock cycle and Hackett came aboard.

The Admiral said a few words to each of the senior crew welcoming them home and acknowledging their hard work getting the Normandy home. They all moved into the CIC where the rest of the crew had assembled.

Hackett welcomed them all home and explained that they would all be checked out and then taken to their family members. Later that evening there was to be a big get-together for the Normandy crew, their families and friends at the HQ main banquet hall.

Once Hackett was finished Shepard was swarmed by the crew and hugged each of them fiercely before each left the ship.

After the last crewmember walked to the airlock Shepard heaved a huge sigh.

"I guess that was a lot all at once," Kaidan said softly as he took her hand in his.

Shepard squeezed his hand and gave him a smile. "No. It was wonderful. I'm so glad you're all home."

Kaidan kissed her cheek. "I thought you considered the Normandy 'home'," He said tenderly.

"Only because of the people on her," Shepard said honestly and kissed him. "I guess you'd better get going. Your mom is waiting."

Kaidan pulled her closer and kissed her deeply. "I need some time with you first, Dani," he whispered against her lips and she couldn't help the shiver of desire that ran through her. "I made some changes to the Captain's Quarters I think you should see."

"Ohhh?" she breathed and giggled as he nibbled her ear and moved her toward the elevator.

**A/N: Sorry for the extreme delay in getting this out. I've been working on this and another story (Shoker) and couldn't seem to get anywhere with either of them. I'd hoped to have this be a quick 2 chapter piece and I've had the ending written for months. I am having trouble getting from the end of chapter 1 to my end chapter without it feeling really choppy or short-changed. So there will be at least one more chapter and probably two to get a nice rounded story arc. This won't end up being as polished as I'd like, but I'm anxious to get on to the other story. **

**Thank you to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed. A special thanks to Jules Hawk: your comment made me really reconsider this chapter and I appreciate your input. I didn't put Kaidan's mom in this one in order to shorten it, but there will be another short fic with Mrs. Alenko.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

Shepard snapped her eyes open, fully awake from the nightmare. She felt the warmth of the man snuggled up to her back, his arm draped over her waist. She kept her sigh of frustration inside so she wouldn't wake Kaidan. She had hoped the happiness of the Normandy's return, the excitement of the party and the sheer bliss of being loved by Kaidan would've helped her sleep.

She carefully slipped out of bed and Kaidan gave a mumble before turning over and resuming his quiet snoring. She gazed at him in the low light of pre-dawn and wished she didn't still feel the weight of the darkness that had plagued her since the end of The War.

After pulling on some loose clothing, she curled up in a chair and simply looked at Kaidan as he slept. Her mind was busy running through everything that had happened since she first boarded the Normandy. She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there watching him – memorizing him, but the sun was fully up when he finally woke.

"Hey," he said groggily when he turned and saw her sitting there. "Can't sleep?"

Shepard smiled at his tousled appearance. "I guess I'm just used to getting up early."

Kaidan stretched slowly and Shepard hid her grin as it was obvious he was partially doing it for her. He walked over and gave her a long kiss. "Want to join me back in bed?" he whispered in a sultry tone.

Shepard felt a tremor of desire, but she ruthlessly ignored it. "You slept too long, lazy-ass, and now you need to get moving so you catch your shuttle."

Kaidan gave a dejected sigh and Shepard couldn't quite bury her chuckle at his dramatics. "Are you sure you won't come with me? Mom would love to have you and you'd love the B.C. interior."

Shepard ran her hand lightly down the side of his face. "We have three weeks of leave," she said softly. "Spend this first week with your mom and then we can have our time." Shepard got up and pushed Kaidan toward the bathroom. "Besides I have a few things to do before I can enjoy leave."

Kaidan turned around and gathered her into his arms. "The War's over, love. You can relax now, so don't spend a week of your leave working."

Shepard kissed him lightly. "It's not that kind of work. Don't worry about me, just spend some time with your mom. She needs you right now."

Kaidan hugged her tight and nuzzled her ear. "I love you," he whispered. "I don't want to spend even a day away from you."

Shepard hugged him tightly in return. "We'll be together soon. I love you, too."

* * *

Kaidan shambled into the kitchen to get some breakfast and saw his mom sitting at the breakfast nook. "Mornin'," he mumbled as he grabbed a cup of coffee and a muffin.

"Did you sleep well?" Amalah asked her son with a tender smile as he sat down next to her.

"Yeah," Kaidan smiled back as he looked out the window at the view. In the distance he could see the edge of the orchard. The Reaper's hadn't done much damage in this area and he could almost forget the war here.

These last five days had done him a world of good and he'd enjoyed spending time with his mother and cousins. Shepard would arrive in a couple more days and he couldn't wait to see her again and show her this little slice of normalcy. When they'd said good-bye Shepard had smiled and kept a light tone, but he'd been worried by the look in her eyes. He hoped spending a few days here would erase the worry she'd tried so hard to hide from him.

"What are you thinking about?" his mother asked quietly with a twinkle in her brown eyes that said she could guess.

"Shepard," Kaidan said without hesitation. "I think she'll like it here and she needs the quiet."

"I didn't get much of a chance to speak with her at the party. I'm looking forward to getting to know her," Amalah was quiet for a moment as she watched her son. "Do you two have any plans?"

"Plans?" Kaidan said in confusion.

Amalah rolled her eyes at her son. "For the future? It's obvious that you love her very much."

Kaidan's brow furrowed and he gave a nervous chuckle. "We haven't discussed it, but…yeah. I'm going to ask her to marry me."

Amalah chuckled and patted his arm. "I was hoping that was the case," she said and moved something over on the table. "If you like you can give her this."

Kaidan looked at his smiling mother and opened the small box. Inside was a ring. The gold band held an oval Rainbow Opal surrounded by small diamond chips. His breath caught and he turned a shocked look at his mother. "This is your wedding ring!"

"It was your great grandmother's," Amalah said softly. She still smiled, but her eyes became a little teary. "Your father and I picked out a new ring for our twentieth anniversary," she fingered the white gold band holding a sapphire on her hand and sighed. "We decided then that you should have the family ring when you found someone."

"Mom," Kaidan said sadly at the mention of his father. He placed his hand over hers.

Amalah wiped away a tear and smiled at Kaidan again. "I loved Kenneth very much and I miss him every day. But we had many great years together and I want that for you, Kaidan."

The moment was broken by Kaidan's oldest cousin, Rory and his two young children coming into the kitchen. Kaidan smiled at his mother and kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks, mom," he whispered.

The rest of the day Kaidan helped out in the orchard and enjoyed the fresh air, physical activity and the antics of his young cousins. The sun was low in the sky as they headed back to the house.

"Rory," Kaidan said as they watched the kids run ahead of them. "Thanks for letting mom stay here."

Rory slanted Kaidan a look and sighed. He was almost ten years older than Kaidan and his dark hair was already starting to grey. "Of course," he said gruffly. "I'm sorry about your Dad. The damn war took too many good people."

Kaidan just nodded. "Do you mind if mom stays a while longer? Vancouver isn't recovered enough. There's still water and utility problems. Not to mention the looting and gangs. I don't want her there alone yet."

"She can stay as long as she wants," Rory said with conviction. "Melissa and I were talking about building a small cottage on the property. She could live there, if she wanted."

Kaidan smiled. "I think that'd be good for her. I don't know how much I'll be around Earth over the next few years."

"Of course she won't stay once you and your lady have kids. She'll want to be near her own grandkids," Rory said with a laugh and then sobered when he saw Kaidan's stricken look.

"Uh, Dani can't have children," Kaidan said softly.

"Shit! I'm sorry, Kaidan. I didn't mean…" Rory stammered.

"It's alright. You didn't know," Kaidan said as they entered the house.

Amalah and Melissa were busy setting out dinner and Kaidan's mouth watered at the smell of it. He washed up and was just about to sit down when his omni-tool beeped. Kaidan saw who it was from and quickly moved toward the porch door.

"Sorry," he said over his shoulder. "I need to take this."

Kaidan answered the call as he went out the door. "Admiral Hackett," he said as the screen came up. "What can I do for you?"

"Major," Hackett said simply. His face was serious and Kaidan didn't like the worried look in the man's eyes. "Has Shepard been to see you?"

Kaidan frowned at the Admiral. He knew Shepard hadn't told the Admiral about them and he wasn't sure how much the man knew. "Uh, no, Sir. She was going to come out in a couple of days and get away from the city."

Hackett frowned and gave a sigh. "Have you had any contact from her since you left on leave?"

Kaidan felt his gut clench painfully at the implication of Hackett's question. "No, sir. What's wrong?"

"I received a request this morning from her account requesting an extended leave of absence. I haven't been able to get a hold of her." Hackett rubbed a hand over his forehead.

"Leave of absence? From the Alliance?" Kaidan couldn't seem to make sense of the words.

"Yes. My techs show she uploaded the request a week ago with an automatic send command for today," Hackett scowled. "I sent an officer to her quarters, but she wasn't there. She left her omni-tool and we haven't been able to locate her. We think she left the morning after the Normandy party."

"I'll try to contact her and I'm on my way back to headquarters," Kaidan said in a clipped tone. He was trying hard not to panic.

"Let me know if you hear from her, but I think you should stay there a couple of days to see if she shows up," Hackett's tone of voice showed that he didn't think her arrival was likely.

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said unhappily. "Please let me know if you find out any more information and I'll do the same."

"Of course, Major," Hackett said. "I'm sorry to ruin your leave with this news. Hackett out."

Kaidan immediately typed a message to Shepard's account.

Subject: URGENT: CALL ME!

Dani,

Call me now! Let me know you're alright.

Kaidan

Kaidan stood there staring at his omni-tool and jumped when a hand touched his arm. "Mom," he croaked as he looked down at the woman. He couldn't get anything else out.

"Honey," Amalah said quietly as she stroked her son's arm. "I'm sure there's an explanation."

Kaidan remembered the sad, haunted look in Shepard's eyes before he left. She'd said they'd be together soon, not that she'd see him in a few days. "Most of the relays are repaired," Kaidan mused aloud. "If she left right after I did she could be anywhere in the galaxy."

He gave a ragged sigh and rubbed his eyes. "We didn't even have a whole day together! What the hell is she doing? How could she just take off without a word? Damn it!"

"Kaidan," Amalah pleaded.

"I have to make some calls," Kaidan said brusquely and ran inside and up to the room he was using.

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**A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews. They really do help keep me writing and I appreciate your input. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Guts or Glory

**Chapter 4 – Guts or Glory**

Kaidan sat in the conference room with the new councilors from the Asari, Turian, and Salarian races. Illium had been chosen for this first meeting of the new council and Kaidan was already nearing his breaking point. Earth hadn't appointed a councilor yet, so Hackett had put forth Kaidan to sit in on this first meeting as humanity's representative.

Kaidan glanced down the table at Admiral Hackett and raised an eyebrow as the Volus and Krogan ambassadors continued trying to shout their concerns over the other.

Hackett briefly closed his eyes and then gave Kaidan a stern stare. The older man's intent was clear, "Keep your cool, be patient."

Kaidan sighed as the Turian councilor banged on the table and shouted for order. Kaidan was certain, now more than ever, that his being here was a serious mistake. It should be Hackett, or…Shepard. It _should_ have been Shepard, but she was still missing and the new Intergalactic Council had to proceed.

"Does the Human Councilor have anything to add to this discussion?" the Asari councilor said calmly. Kaidan couldn't think of her name at the moment, even though he'd spent the last three days in private sessions with the other members of the council.

Kaidan carefully considered what he _should_ say vice what he _wanted_ to say. He wished he could rail and rant like Shepard used to, but he knew he'd never get away with it. Shepard had been unique in that way, too.

"Ambassadors, delegates," Kaidan said softly, but he was interrupted by the door opening and the sound of a scuffle outside. The meeting was strictly controlled and the guards outside would not allow the proceedings to be interrupted. Not voluntarily anyway and that realization put him instantly on alert.

Before he could do more than rise from his chair Shepard marched into the room with four people behind her. He recognized one as Miranda Lawson, but the others were strangers. He noticed only the three strangers were armed.

Shepard barely looked at him before she raked the room with her stormy gaze. Everyone froze and the silence was deafening. She let the silence build for a moment before speaking in a clear and clipped tone dripping with authority and contempt. "I have some information to share with the council. I believe you will find it enlightening."

"Shepard?" Kaidan blurted in shock and not a little fear. She had that look in her eye that told him she was about to upend the entire proceeding. After being gone for four months she showed up now? It couldn't be anything good and the new council was very fragile.

Shepard looked at him and raised an eyebrow. It was both an acknowledgement of his position as the Human Councilor and a warning not to interfere.

"Commander Shepard?" The Turian councilor said hesitantly. "We weren't expecting you."

"This is a clear violation of the meeting agenda," the Salarian councilor said in strident tones. "I move to have Commander Shepard immediately escorted from the room and the Human delegation officially reprimanded for such a blatant attempt to derail this meeting."

Shepard smiled and Kaidan felt a tremor go through him. It was the smile she gave to her enemies just before shooting them or making them explode. A cold and utterly confident smile and it meant things were about to go from bad to worse.

"Do I make you nervous, Dalatrass?" she said in a calm and icy tone. "Why would that be?"

The Salarian sputtered for a moment and Kaidan knew Shepard had used the councilor's former title of Dalatrass instead of councilor on purpose. He watched the Salarian with interest now.

Shepard moved her gaze from the squirming councilor and addressed the rest of the new council and the other delegates in the room. "I have information regarding the Salarians' interference with the genophage, as well as plans regarding the varren, Yahg and Vorcha that put the galaxy at risk."

"Do NOT think you can march in here with such outrageous accusations, Commander," the Salarian hissed in utter fury. "It is well known that you are mentally unstable and have been missing for the last several months." She smiled coldly at Shepard. "You will not succeed."

Shepard smiled back and took a couple of steps closer to the table. "I did succeed, despite your best efforts to stop me. I have proof," Shepard looked back at the other councilors, "and she knows it. I've spent the last four months getting information, contacts, documents and fighting off Salarian hit squads."

"Shepard," Hackett spoke for the first time, his voice quiet and non-committal. "What do you mean by presenting this evidence now?"

"I want to bring past actions to light and prevent the Salarians from unleashing new threats. Their plans could end up being worse than the Rachni or the effects of uplifting the Krogan." Shepard looked directly at Hackett as she spoke and for the first time Kaidan saw her anger falter. He doubted anyone else noticed as she immediately resumed her aura of irate confidence. He thought she looked pale and tired behind the fierceness she portrayed.

"A copy of all the data I've collected has already been sent to each of you in this room, as well as to several media agencies. Eye-witnesses will be made available to the Council for debriefing and verification of their information."

"I will not stand for this!" the Salarian councilor shouted, then turned a cold glare on the Commander. "Think carefully, Commander. Your past actions may also be illuminated if you continue."

Shepard gave a short bark of derisive laughter and leaned back as she regarded the Salarian. The two locked gazes for a long moment, a silent battle of wills that Kaidan was certain Shepard would win.

"What about the genophage?" the Krogan delegate growled.

Shepard turned her attention to the rest of the room. "Just before my team went down to Tuchanka the current Salarian Dalatrass contacted me. She promised Salarian aid against the Reapers if I sabotaged the cure."

There were shocked hisses and whispers throughout the room at Shepard's admission. The Salarian councilor looked ready to spit tacks, Kaidan thought.

Shepard sighed and spoke more softly. "I – needed all the races of the galaxy to defeat the Reapers. We needed the Krogan to help the Turians so they, in turn, could help Earth. We needed the Salarians and the Asari, the Volus and the Elcor." She ran a hand through her hair. "I couldn't see another way to do it and there wasn't enough time."

"How?" the Turian councilor whispered, but cut off his question.

Kaidan could plainly see the pain on Shepard's face and a quick look around the room showed the others saw it, too. His heart ached for what she must have gone through.

"Eve, the female Krogan who had the immunity, didn't survive. I trusted Wrex, but the rest of the Krogan were already calling for revenge against the galaxy. I couldn't allow myself to think about the future because if we didn't defeat the Reapers none of us would _have_ a future." Shepard began to pace as she talked and she shot a quick glance at Kaidan.

"I had to kill Mordin Solis to keep him from activating the cure. He was a friend and I killed him," Shepard rubbed her forehead and Kaidan wondered if she even heard the satisfied sound the Salarian councilor made at this revelation.

"Urdnot Wrex attacked me on the Citadel because he found out I'd sabotaged the cure. I lost two very special friends to this in addition to possibly dooming an entire race to extinction." Shepard looked at the Krogan delegate. "I'm sorry and I'm trying to make it right now."

The room was completely silent as everyone looked at Shepard and tried to digest what she'd said. Shepard stood there calmly, but her eyes appeared haunted. Kaidan wasn't sure what to do as he stared at Shepard. He wanted to whisk her away, but the tension in the room kept him rooted where he was.

A horrendous howl of rage shattered the silence and Kaidan watched in horror as the Krogan charged Shepard. She stood unflinching as the huge alien bared down on her. Kaidan threw a barrier around Shepard without thinking and was surprised when the huge, angry Krogan was flung back across the room. He hit the wall so hard he dented the metal before sliding down to the floor. Kaidan saw Miranda give him a glance as the biotic aura still wreathed her hands.

Kaidan released the barrier around Shepard and his omni-tool beeped. He glanced down at the message.

_Get to your suite, take Shepard now! Guards posted. Hackett._

Kaidan didn't hesitate, but slid across the table and ran to Shepard's side. He took her elbow in his hand and leaned close. "Let's go," he hissed. He felt her tense briefly, but then she nodded and they left the room.

The guards met them outside and escorted them as Kaidan pulled Shepard down the hall. Normally it was all he could do to keep up with her, but now he practically dragged her along with him to the room Hackett had arranged. Kaidan nodded at the guards as he pushed Shepard inside.

Shepard took a few steps into the suite and stopped, a deep sigh escaping her as she leaned an arm on the desk.

Kaidan stayed by the door. He was torn between utter relief at seeing her and seething anger for the worry she'd caused him. He couldn't begin to explain why she hadn't even tried to defend herself when the Krogan attacked. Kaidan remembered she also hadn't attempted to defend herself when Wrex attacked her on the Citadel. Kaidan saw her look at the dead guard's weapon, but she didn't go for it. Kaidan had been terrified, but Bailey and C-Sec had shown up just in time.

"Why didn't you tell us, Shepard," he rasped. "You didn't need to disappear like that. Damn it, Dani, I was worried sick!"

Shepard merely shook her head and bowed her shoulders, her left arm supporting her on the desk. The movement of something small dropping from Shepard to the floor caught Kaidan's attention. He thought it might be a tear or a small bit of fluff, but the dark red stain on the carpet got him moving.

"Shepard, you're injured!" he said as he typed a message to Hackett and Chakwas before he grabbed a med kit from the shelf.

Kaidan spun her around to face him as he started removing her armor. She just stood listlessly as he worked. He tossed the pieces across the room as he got them off and found a hole in her under armor over her right abdomen. The fabric was sticky with blood.

"How long have you had this?" He asked harshly as he ripped the material and applied medigel. "Why didn't you get it tended?"

"There wasn't time," Shepard whispered raggedly. "I had to get to the council – " she cut off as she inhaled sharply at the sting of the medigel.

Kaidan kept working on the wound as Shepard leaned against the wall. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan."

"What the hell, Dani!" Kaidan growled as he worked, barely aware of her whispered words.

"I know there are some things that love can't overcome," she continued softly. "After everything I've done…Cerberus, our encounter with Udina…Horizon. And now you know the truth about the war."

"What?" Kaidan said distractedly without looking up.

"It's too much to expect you to forgive. I've always admired your sense of duty – of what's right. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I wish I could've lived up to your example."

Now that the wound was patched Kaidan took her arm and moved her to the bed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'll understand if you never want to see me again," her voice broke and she stopped abruptly.

"Never…?" Kaidan looked at her in shock. "Are you actually trying to break up with me?"

"I…" a tear slipped down her cheek. "I'm telling you I understand."

Kaidan wrapped an arm around the small of her back and brought her in close as he wiped away the tear.

Shepard gave a ragged sigh and blinked rapidly. Kaidan was worried by how pale she was and the dark circles under her eyes.

"You're injured and exhausted, so I'll keep this simple," he said tenderly. "I love you and I'll never stop. I'm not leaving you and I won't let you leave me." He kissed her deeply.

"Kaidan," Chakwas' soft call brought an end to the kiss. Kaidan looked over his shoulder and saw Hackett and Chakwas standing just inside the door.

"Busted," Shepard whispered with a hint of amusement.

"I don't care," Kaidan whispered back as he helped her lay down in the bed. He squeezed her hand as Chakwas came over and knelt down to take a look at Shepard's wound. "I'm going to be right over there and talk to Admiral Hackett. You rest and let Chakwas take care of you."

Shepard nodded wearily and Kaidan leaned down to kiss her cheek before moving over to the Admiral.

Hackett regarded him seriously for a long moment. "Well, Major," Hackett rumbled softly. "This has been an interesting first council meeting."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said without flinching. "What's the situation?"

Hackett raised an eyebrow at the younger man and glanced over at Shepard. With a sigh he shook his head and let the obvious question go. "The meeting was closed and everyone ushered out. The council suspended the Salarian councilor pending a full investigation of Shepard's information. They will probably impose sanctions and long-term oversight of Salarian actions. It'll be some time before the Salarians are allowed a council seat again."

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully. "And the people with Shepard?"

"Escorted back to their ship and guards posted. Ms. Lawson said Shepard already gave the genophage data to a group of scientists, including Dr. Cole, and they are working on making a cure."

"What about Shepard?" Kaidan asked and kept his gaze steady on the man in front of him.

Hackett regarded Kaidan for a moment. "I think she needs some time to heal. And not just from this wound. I'll look into getting her – and you - a long block of convalescent leave. I can't say I'm totally surprised by your relationship, but when were you going to tell me, Major?"

"As soon as our leave was up, but then she disappeared and…" Kaidan fell silent. "If it's a problem, Admiral, I'll resign my commission."

"Don't jump to conclusions, son. Just do up the paperwork and we'll adjust assignments accordingly," Hackett gave a slight smile and placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Take care of her, Kaidan."

Kaidan smiled and looked over at Shepard who was now sound asleep. "I will, Sir."

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**A/N: I'll end this one here. I could go on and on, but I'll leave it to your imagination. Thanks for all the kind reviews and follows. Please let me know what you thought.**

**Next up is a Shoker fic based on the Control ending.**


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